I promised some frivolity, so…

Nothing has really changed as a result of the brutal first hour of cross-examination of Amber Heard. Apparently, her lawyer’s advice through the whole thing has been…

Ask her what color the sun is and she will explain how Johnny Depp ruined sunshine for her, in great detail.

Ask her why she didn’t disburse her $7 million divorce settlement to charity when she received it in full in October 2018, she blames Johnny suing her for libel in January 2019 for her December op-ed that clearly suggested he beat her. To be fair, she had pledged the movie in the summer of 2016, shortly after she filed for divorce. So maybe she had forgotten before that darn Johnny got in the way.

No one has asked yet about the coincidence that the check cleared in October and the Op-Ed went up 2 months later… her money that she didn’t want in her bank account.

There was a lot of conversation in the direct examination that ended today (there will be some rehabilitation efforts too) about careers. The lawsuit is about how Heard’s ACLU-written and Heard-signed Op-Ed essentially ended Depp’s career for now. And conversely, Heard likes to accuse Hollywood men defending Johnny - not because he is a multi-billion box office star, but because he has a penis - destroying her career in the same period.

So I looked…

I start both charts with the first real film of Amber’s career in 2004. First part is before they got together, then when they were together, then the month there was a restraining order - which is when she says her real troubles started - and then, the Op-Ed.

As you can see, over those 18 years, Amber’s movies grossed $829 million and his grossed $3.1 billion. It is worth noting that she didn’t star in any of her movies… he starred in every one of his.

Here are the splits: 2004 - 2011, A: $356m/J: $1.8b - Years Together, A: $137m/J: $657m - Since The Split, A: $336m/J: $671m.

His career essentially ended (for now) with the Op-Ed. Her’s too… except for Aquaman 2. The time between the Restraining Order and the Op-Ed was pretty healthy for both of them.

I don’t know when Ms. Heard signed for the biggest payday of her career, Aquaman, which she testified paid her $1 million. But it started pre-production in December 2016, 7 months after she filed her restraining order and divorce. She didn’t lose the job. And she has a new highest payday with Aquaman 2, which she got paid $2 million for… though she claims that the Depp mess kept her from negotiating a bigger contract.

Honestly, I don’t think Ms. Heard should be looked down upon because her mouth cashed a charitable check her accountant wouldn’t send. It is possible that she put together a million or two over a career before Depp. And she has likely earned more than her career total between the 2 Aquaman films. But that’s, what, $3 or $4 million total? Maybe? Pretty surely less, given the cost of being an ambitious commercial actress who’s been sued.

She may not like being called a golddigger… though dating Elon Musk right after you leave that husband might have a lot more responsible than keeping your divorce settlement. But giving away $7 million to legitimize yourself - deservedly or not - is waaaay beyond her pay grade. Give away a couple million, if you must, take the tax break, and have a nest egg for you and your daughter.

You remember that million dollars gave to your charities in your name while he was screaming “Twitter!” during sex? He doesn’t. Tip money for him. Not for you. Plenty of rich men will keep chasing you and maybe you can end up making some good money as a Bravo housewife, but Depp’s money - assuming you don’t lose it all in this suit - is a foundation for freedom, which we all deserve, however non-violently whacked.

You’re 36. You have made a career based mostly, to be honest, on what you look like. And people thought you were a little crazy before this trial. Be honest… the only producers who would hire the person you have been on the witness stand would have to be forced by a director who was completely obsessed by you.

Forget about how well you act or not… no one needs the trouble (except that guy always running at trouble). It’s not about being a woman (which is not to say this town isn’t loading with leering pigs who want to make you do filthy things to get certain opportunities). Producers and studios get gun shy about men who are insane too… unless they can make them $3.1 billion in 15 years.

Civilians would be truly shocked to know how many heroin users have been cleaned up and put back in front of cameras at the highest level in the last 40 years.

He’s 48 and may never make another studio movie again. Or he might. He is so insanely popular. I got it when he was 20… 30… 40… but now? What does he play? Who does the broad public think he is? Maybe he can become the next Bill Nighy. (God, how I adore the current Bill Nighy!) But that is another conversation for another year.

The drama level of the testimony continues. Our young-ish heroine all but broke down in tears discussing paparazzi (who took her picture and allegedly called her horrible names… like “Amber!” “Look over here, Amber!”) outside the L.A. courthouse 6 years ago.

The “you took photos, but didn’t put them into evidence?”/”putting them into evidence isn’t my job… I would love the jury to see them!” bits were the kind of comedy that would make you buy Groundlings tickets every weekend for a year if an improv show could be that funny and absurd.

I love Ambi’s “you say he broke your nose, but nothing shows”/“ice can reduce swelling” routine that never has her testifying that she actually did use ice to reduce the alleged swelling. You can see her being a little proud of herself when she thinks she has evaded the question. A lot like a very attractive Daffy Duck.

And the way Ambi turns to the jury and talks to them, showing no regard to the person actually asking the questions. Gloriously rude… but it has to be even more obnoxious in the room, as opposed to a bunch of single frames we see on TV.

Every question is there for her to avoid and reassert her claims… which plays increasingly like the husband caught in bed with the prostitute who insists that no one is even there.

“I was just protecting Johnny!!! I didn’t want to hurt Johnny!!!”

I just pray the streaming movie of this that comes out by Christmas is half as good as the real thing.

Until tomorrow…

The Hot Button

THB #158: Johnny & Amber, Fighting In A…