Volodymyr Zelenskyy's Oscar Speech

Amy Schumer either made a bad joke or broke the cone of silence that is meant to be respected by professionals when working with others. Either way, the story of The Academy rejecting her idea about President Zelenskyy being on the Oscar show has been way overplayed.

We were fortunate to get a draft copy of President Zelenskyy’s Oscar opening speech that never existed. We present it without comment.

DRAFT - 19 березня

Good evening, Hollywood.

You look so wonderful in all your tuxedos and gowns. The presidential laundry room was blown up last Thursday, so kindly excuse this shirt I’ve been wearing for 2 weeks.

Tonight you honor The Power of the Dog. I understand this. Putin wears the same chaps as that guy. I’d like to give him a rope.

Here in Kyiv, CODA stands for Corpses On Da Street.

Licorice Pizza was a fun romance. We understand running for your life down the street.

Don’t Look Up? That’s all I do these days! If you don’t look up, you can’t tell where the bombs are coming from.

Nightmare Alley. You make your own joke. Too lehko (easy).

(Explosion sound and lights)
There goes another bomb. You people in Hollywood have no idea.

West Side Story is the only place Ukrainians feel safe. Right over never to Hungary. I would like to thank Officer Krupke for his support for our women and children coming across the Polish border. But we would feel safer if the airspace was locked down by NATO, if you know what I mean.

Belfast… that civil war thing is the only problem we don’ t have here right now. But plenty of cute children being forced out of their homes, leaving babusya and didusʹ behind. In color.

Dune is what Putin is turning Mariupol into.

King Richard… if it makes you feel any better, the are keeping people off our tennis courts with grenade launchers. Boom!

And Drive My Car. I loved that movie. But it took so long to watch, they bombed three different theaters before I could get to the ending.

Thank you for inviting me, beautiful people. I wish you were all here with me, so maybe your government would protect us a little more aggressively. But in the meantime, could you send some of that Wolfgang Puck food? Not to be a Деббі (Debbi) Dauner, but people are starving here.

But we don’t talk about Putin tonight… see what I did there?

Have a beautiful night, send money, food, and air cover… I hear Apple and Netflix spent as much on their Oscar campaigns as Putin is spending on flattening Mariupol. Now go on and celebrate your accomplishments as artists with pride and joy… I dare you!

But seriously. Help.

(Wave bye bye)